ZerOpaque

Rejection was the least of my concerns growing up. I don’t recall even considering it much. There were times, I’m sure, that I felt its sting for a moment, but those escape my memory. Oh sure, my feelings got hurt, but that’s quite different from being told I was unwelcome. All in all, people liked me and I liked that people liked me. In retrospect, most everything I did and said was to retain a firm grip on that acceptance.

There are 2 things that I have become an expert at avoiding: disappointing others and the rejection of others. Somehow I have instinctively avoided most actions which would lead to either. Why? Because I fear loss.

I fear loss of acceptance, I fear loss of people that I care deeply about, I fear loss of trust, I fear loss of control over my life.

I fear loss of me.

It’s true. I have always placed a high value on what others think about me. I’m a rule follower, because I like the feeling of being trusted.

I despise those things about me which cause me to fear.  Don’t misread me; I don’t despise myself.  No, I am fully aware that God gives each of us certain gifts, talents, and abilities.  To despise myself would be to despise that which He has created, and the uniqueness which He has endowed me with.  I despise – I have resentment toward feelings of fear which I know have acted as a stronghold against allowing God to do wonderfully special things through me.

Because, to the best of my recollection, I have not felt great rejection or disapproval, I have grown to fear the loss that those produce even more as I get older.  I have become addicted to acceptance.  If everyone likes me, if everyone approves of me, the world is a fine place to be.

Things that put a lump in my throat or a tear in my eye: A child with a broken heart, recalling past heart breaks, and being open and honest about my fear of loss.

Around a year ago, I ended up in the E.R. for a panic attack.  Before and after the attack, I have had anxiety issues.  I was prescribed various medications and also went to a therapist for several months to “cure” my anxiety.  Sure, it helped, but I’ve always known the source of my anxiety – I fear loss.  Loss that I know I will eventually realize if I do anything worthwhile.

This I know for certain: If I continue to hang on to who I am, if I continue to preserve my life, I will most certainly lose it.  That, my friends, is no way to lose a life.

Jesus, in fact, has asked us to do precisely the opposite.

“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.” – Mark 8:34-35

He’s seriously asking us to lose our identity in Him.  He’s telling us, that chose and claim to be His, to deny our own desires, our own agenda, our own selves, and to live as people sold out to Him.  Literally.

The question, then, changes from “but what if people reject me?” to “but will the world see Jesus in me?”

We might find our identity in careers, in our selves, in our activism, in our causes, in the things we obsess about, in others.  What defines your life?  Are you willing to lose it for the Jesus you claim to obey?  Am I?

How do we lose our lives to Jesus and the Gospel?  We lose our lives by submerging ourselves in Him, by actually reading His Word, by actually praying to Him, by actually speaking Christ to the world.  We don’t submit to our fears, we don’t put God on the back-burner, we realize that rejection is a reality.  We refuse to place our fears or our comfort above His will.

At some point, you and I must decide whether we actually follow Christ, or whether we  just feel safe calling ourselves Christians.

-Bill